It's 2am, and all is quiet around me. I can hear the gentle snoring of my cat purring rhythmically beside me, and the low hum of Christmas music drifting up the stairs. I curl up with my heating pad and stare into the darkness, negotiating with painsomnia. It's a game of tug of war as I fight pain for ownership of sleep. Tonight I'm not the lucky winner as I feel pins and needles pulsing throughout my stomach, alternating with daggers to my liver, and toying with the idea of spreading into a migraine. It's so quiet, so peaceful all around me, but my soul is awake and restless.
The night & I are not fast friends. I feel betrayed by its promise of rest and solitude. Sleep hangs in the air like a thundercloud; I can't touch it, but I can feel its presence all around me as my body aches from fatigue. I wait longingly, like a desert begging the clouds to spare a drop of rain. "It's coming soon," the night whispers, but the anticipation of rest feels many miles away. As I snuggle down into my covers I breathe in its comforting grip on my skin, and feel the soft mattress cradle my weary bones.
My fortress is my bed; a place which I deem to be my safest location, but yet coincidentally also the location I wish to escape the most. As I lie here I question that irony & wonder what it might feel like to not simultaneously long for my bed while loathing the chains of its stronghold. What might it feel like to have the freedom of free will & spontaneity? Fantasies dance around in my head and I am transported to a future time when I am able bodied and strong. With a smile firmly planted on my face I imagine the bliss of a beautiful day spent by the ocean side, simply existing. The sunshine coats my skin and seeps into my soul like an ink blot, spreading its rays throughout my body to the tips of my toes. It's nice here. It's safe here. I hold onto that sensation protectively until the harsh reality of the night sucks it away, and I am thrown back into the now; the 2:30am night.
It's 2:30am, and all is still quiet around me. My cat is still gently purring, the music is still strolling up the stairs, but I no longer have ownership of my whole heart. I left a piece of it in my dreams to hold my place in a future world where I am without pain; a world where I am healthy. My heart is there, bookmarking my place in time. I'll see you soon dear heart, it won't be long. I will never stop dreaming or fighting, for I will be there soon to collect the pieces and put myself together once again.
Xoxo,
Christina
The night & I are not fast friends. I feel betrayed by its promise of rest and solitude. Sleep hangs in the air like a thundercloud; I can't touch it, but I can feel its presence all around me as my body aches from fatigue. I wait longingly, like a desert begging the clouds to spare a drop of rain. "It's coming soon," the night whispers, but the anticipation of rest feels many miles away. As I snuggle down into my covers I breathe in its comforting grip on my skin, and feel the soft mattress cradle my weary bones.
My fortress is my bed; a place which I deem to be my safest location, but yet coincidentally also the location I wish to escape the most. As I lie here I question that irony & wonder what it might feel like to not simultaneously long for my bed while loathing the chains of its stronghold. What might it feel like to have the freedom of free will & spontaneity? Fantasies dance around in my head and I am transported to a future time when I am able bodied and strong. With a smile firmly planted on my face I imagine the bliss of a beautiful day spent by the ocean side, simply existing. The sunshine coats my skin and seeps into my soul like an ink blot, spreading its rays throughout my body to the tips of my toes. It's nice here. It's safe here. I hold onto that sensation protectively until the harsh reality of the night sucks it away, and I am thrown back into the now; the 2:30am night.
It's 2:30am, and all is still quiet around me. My cat is still gently purring, the music is still strolling up the stairs, but I no longer have ownership of my whole heart. I left a piece of it in my dreams to hold my place in a future world where I am without pain; a world where I am healthy. My heart is there, bookmarking my place in time. I'll see you soon dear heart, it won't be long. I will never stop dreaming or fighting, for I will be there soon to collect the pieces and put myself together once again.
Xoxo,
Christina
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