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Who Are You Thankful For?: A Tribute To My Parents

11/27/2014

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Today is Thanksgiving. A day when we give thanks for everything that we are blessed with. For me, this isn't anything materialistic in nature. I wanted to take a moment and give thanks to the two people who have been my absolute life line: my parents.

On any given day I look into my mothers eyes and I see an immense amount of love, mixed with an immense amount of pain. It hurts her deeply to see me suffering when things get bad. I look into my fathers eyes & beyond his stoic and calm demeanor I see a lot of sadness when he is helpless in taking away my pain. My parents have given up their own lives to rotate their world entirely around getting me well for the better part of 3 years. They never wavered with their support and commitment... not for one moment. You would think after so long one of them would have cracked, or they would have grown tired of it all. But they don't ask for a break, in fact they can't fathom a break until I am well. I try to wrap my mind around how deep their love is for me, but I can't comprehend it. It's so much more than I can possibly understand. So many times during this journey I have broke down. It is a tough mental fight and some periods are tougher than others. I will admit that I cracked more times than I could count, but even in the absolute worst moments my parents stayed strong. Even when things were very grim, and I wasn't sure how I would make it through the next hour or the next day, they never worried. They remained calm and figured out a plan. I know that as long as I have them by my side there will never be an option to lose this fight. Not under their watch. 

When I am up at 3am sick and crying, they are up with me getting me whatever I need to ease the pain. When I need someone to talk to my mom would stay up with me past midnight just keeping me company or letting me vent. They are two of the most committed and loving parents I could possibly be blessed with. They won't ever give up on me, and they continually lift me up when I'm weak.

I'm thankful that they take so much time to cook me meals that fit my diet & taste buds. I'm thankful that no matter what new "out there" idea is presented for treatment they instantly are on board, ready to do absolutely anything to get me well, no questions asked. I'm thankful for how they pray with me & encourage me constantly to stay focused on God. I'm thankful that they care for my dog when I am too weak to do it myself, and they give her so much love. I'm thankful that they constantly research and read up on pertinent information so they understand every detail of my treatment (during times when my brain fog prevents me from doing it myself). I'm thankful for so much more than I could put into words, but their very love is what fuels me.

I would not have made it 1 step without my parents support and love. I would have surely given up by now. People think I'm so strong, but on my own I'm really not. It's they who are strong and pick me up and give me strength to fight when I'm all out of steam.

So here's to you mom & dad. You all are the greatest gift that I could have ever been blessed with. I'm thankful each and every day for your love, but especially today when I can reflect on the depth of what you do for me. I am nothing without your support and your guidance. It's been a long 3 years, but the silver lining is being able to spend this quality time with you both, learning love and patience which you model for me every day. As long as you two are by my side I know I can face anything. 

All that I am, and all that I hope to be I owe to you both. 

Xoxo,
Christina

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I Am Thankful For Perspective

11/26/2014

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“I had a terrible day.” We say it all the time. A fight with the boss, the stomach flu, traffic. That's what we describe as terrible, when nothing terrible is happening. A root canal, an IRS audit, coffee spilled on our clothes. But when the really terrible things happen, we start begging God to bring back the little horrors and take away this. It seems quaint now, doesn't it? The flood in the kitchen, the poison oak, the fight that leaves you shaking with rage. Would it have helped, if we could see then what else was coming? Would we have known that those were the best moments of our lives?  – GA

Perspective

So often we take for granted the things in our life that don’t happen. On any given day we lay our heads down on our pillow and recount all the things that occurred. How often are you saying thanks for the grace and mercy that you experienced that day?

There is always something to be thankful for. Always. Even on the toughest days I can be thankful that it wasn’t worst, because I know it could have been. I am always thankful for all the ways that my life is rich and full. I may be hurting, I may be really down and out, but today my family is all safe and most importantly they are all healthy. I can hug and kiss my dog who will give me endless amounts of snuggles and knows exactly when I need them the most. I will be grateful that I have the means to afford the supplements I need which keep me living and taking steps each day.

No one knows what tomorrow will bring. That’s the mystery of life… And that’s why I learned to be thankful for today, no matter how easy or hard it was. We can’t see the future coming until it delivers its biggest blows, and by then we are wishing for all of our yesterdays back. We desperately want to wake up from the nightmare and go back to the day where we spilled our coffee and thought it was the worst thing imaginable.

I now know to be thankful for a beautiful sunny day that I can walk outside because I experienced months just watching the seasons change outside my window from bed. I know that you need to love your family and appreciate the days you have with them, because in an instant they can be gone leaving you shattered and wishing for just 1 more Christmas, or 1 more Birthday together. I’ve felt the highs and I’ve felt the lows. In fact, sometimes it’s the lows that really put things into perspective. Because you know you never want to feel that kind of pain again, and you realize what true heartache and trials really are.

This Thanksgiving I am giving thanks for all the ways that I was shown mercy and saved from things I didn’t even know about. I am grateful for that silly coffee spill I had this morning, or the fact that I dropped everything I picked up today. I am grateful for the nail polish I smudged and the stain I got on my favorite blouse. Because now I see that if these were my biggest complaints of the day, then my day was not only a huge success, it was also an utter blessing. 

Xoxo,

Christina

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I Am Not In Control

11/3/2014

1 Comment

 
I don't have full control of my life.

Those are the 7 scariest words for me to say out loud. My need for control & an understanding of situations is something that is engrained deep inside of me. From a very young age I wanted an answer for absolutely everything. When my parents taught me something I always countered with, "But why?" I needed to understand. When I got old enough to realize that the world is an unjust and unfair place it made me furious. I didn't grasp why horrible things had to happen to good people, or why some things like incurable diseases even existed. My need to right all the wrongs in the world made me want to be a lawyer (before I knew the cold hard truth of how the law works). I would walk around when I was 13 proudly proclaiming to my family that I would be a lawyer one day and I would tackle all the unfairness in the world. It wasn't until I took an internship at a law firm at the age of 17 that everything changed. I read case files and court documents and depositions of horrific assaults on women and realized that their assailant was still somehow found not guilty. I remember coming home and just crying uncontrollably when I got my first whiff of the harsh truth that I couldn't make all the wrongs into a right. I couldn't control the outcome. The bad guys don't always pay. I ditched my plans of law that instant because I knew my sensitive soul could not handle such sadness on a daily basis. But my need to understand why things happen and have control never went away.

I always liked to think that I had some bit of control with this disease. I kept my sanity by telling myself that although I am bedridden, if I REALLY wanted to go out and do something I could push myself. I told myself I had pushed through so much before so the option was always there. Having that lifeline, and talking myself into really believing that was true was my biggest downfall. Because it was all a great big facade. The truth of the matter is that when I moved home, frail and broken, the decisions were no longer mine. And coming to that realization meant that my lifeline which I depended on for so long was never actually there. For someone who is very independent like myself, learning to admit that my body controls everything has never gotten easier. I always assumed with time I would have peace, but I sit here 3 years later and I can tell you that it's not any easier to process the internal struggle and heartbreak that comes with having a soul that is so alive while being trapped in a body with limits. Strict limits. If my body wants to completely rebel on me then there isn't anything I can do to stop it. My body doesn't care if its my birthday or Christmas or any other special occasion. It doesn't care that I have somewhere important to be. It doesn't care how badly I want something. There is no moral heart here, just a body that is fighting its absolute hardest to survive each and every day against the trials of Lyme disease. And it's not in my control.

Some days I really get knocked down, and I have to respect that I am out of steam. I go and go and fight every day with the utmost strength that I can muster up. But at some point the tank runs dry and I have to take some time to be kind to my body and let it recharge. Believe me, like anyone I have moments when I want to give up so desperately. But I look at my parents who love me so much and I know I can't. I keep going not for my own self, but for the people who love me who are counting on me to recover. So because of that I have learned to face my fears and my resentment over the fact that I am not in control. I never was. In fact, I don't know if any of us ever really are. We like to think we have utter control of our lives and what happens next, but often times life happens first. I had big plans prior to getting diagnosed, and none of them included laying in a bed 24 hours a day. But life has a funny way of shaking you awake when you least expect it. So I continue on this journey, trying not to dwell on the fact that I won't always have an instant answer to everything. Maybe sometimes I won't ever get an answer at all. But every day that God blesses me with another day on this earth you can find me seizing the day and fighting my hardest, and I hope all of you reading this will do the same.

xoxo,
Christina


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