I use this word often when describing a life with Lyme disease. Growing up I never had patience. I was an instant gratification kind of girl, and my parents obviously enjoyed that wonderful quality. In many ways it was positive because I was always a hard worker. I would put my mind to any task and figure things out ASAP to get that quick gratification. However when I had to translate this part of my personality to Lyme disease it proved to be quite a hindering quality.
There is nothing fast about Lyme disease. By the time you catch this chronic disease it has already invaded multiple organs & body systems. At that point no treatment will be fast. Not only that but no recovery to the organs/body will be fast either. Step 1 is accepting that. I think it's been a hard road for me, but I have accepted the patience needed for Lyme itself. I have been able to not set a time line for myself & respect my body enough to let it take the time it needs.
When it comes to things outside of Lyme I am 100% impatient. I will be honest, I am mad... I am frustrated.. I am at a loss for words at how overwhelmed I am about this C Difficile set back. I have cried in sheer frustration so many times since the end of January when this nightmare began. I had to stop treatment just as I was improving and deal with the mess of this scary & difficult infection in itself. I was so angry for so long, because C Diff is its own beast. It's not an easy infection you get & just quickly move on with. This is an infection that is fatal, and has to be taken care of 100%... Except its tricky because it contains spores & a biofilm protector, and even let's out different toxins. This damn infection is hands down the most complex stomach bug I have ever encountered. So thanks to that I had to halt treatment suddenly 2 months ago, and I can't start back until I am completely cured. Since C diff is so powerful I can't possibly risk treatment weakening my immune system to let it take over my body. I can't mess around with a superbug that accounts for over 30,000 deaths a year. No thanks.
But this is where my lack of patience comes in. I worked so hard for so long to get relief, and to get a sliver of my health back. In January I felt like I had made big strides. I was celebrating 2013 & ready to keep on keeping on. And now, here I sit, almost April, and I feel my old symptoms creeping back as I helplessly wait to get back on treatment. I just have to sit on the sidelines while I watch my body crumble & regress little by little. Can you imagine the frustration?
Every 2 weeks we have re tested for C Diff, and every time my mom delivered the bad news it took a piece of my heart. It's like this infection came in & began to chip away at my soul. The pain of the infection itself, the pain of the side effects of treating it, the pain of the Lyme disease flaring... None of it combined even comes close to the pain of being helpless in it all. I know in the big picture this is a small moment in life. In the grand scheme of things God has a plan for me, and unfortunately for me to reach my ultimate outcome I had to travel some muddy waters in the process. I know life isn't always rainbows & butterflies, I preach that every day. So it certainly isn't a lack of understanding this that leads me to my frustration, it's the lack of patience.
I believe as humans we have a gas tank, so to speak, that is full of Patience. As we travel life sometimes it requires more fuel, other times we get a break and it "refills" our tank. For me, I feel as though my patience has run dry... I am siphoning extra patience anywhere I can get it! But, at the end of the day I look to God to fill me up.
For everyone who reads this blog & prays for me I would like to end this by saying thank you. This infection could certainly have been much more cruel to me than it was, and I know it's through the power of prayer that it hasn't been. I feel really superstitious about saying something has improved, because its almost like as soon as I say it that thing comes back. So, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I have ever so slowly been inching in a positive direction.
C diff has a "post" C Diff phase which is where you are clear of the infection, however the stomach lining is still damaged, so until it heals you will still have symptoms without the active infection. So, because of that, it's hard to say based on simply symptoms that its "gone." That diagnoses is left up to the lab. Next Wednesday I'm due for another test to check so I will be praying extra hard.
Much love to everyone.