A Lyme Disease Blog Sharing Support & Awareness

When is Good, "Good Enough?"

4/28/2013

What do we consider "good"... Or what do we consider "good enough?" Does that definition change on the circumstances you are placed in?

Over a year ago when I was at my most sick, I thought good would be ANY improvement. I would have considered a 1% improvement as feeling good. I would have (and did) jump up & down in joy when that 1% improvement came, and scream how good I felt.

Now, what do I consider good? I consider good not having a stomach every day, or being able to drive. But if I was betting person, I would say once I achieve those, my perception of good will then be changed again. Good will then be working a full day, or playing a game of tennis etc.

I just find it odd.. How the perception of one word can change so much from person to person, or month to month.

When I'm being asked if I'm doing "good," or "well," I always find myself scrambling for a proper reply. I am good in comparison to last year, but I'm not good in comparison to today. Today I want to not have this stomach ache, or this migraine. Today I want to not be fatigued & incredibly nauseated. Good would only be possible if all those were checked off my list.

So I start to think.. Is it me being selfish, or is it me being the Type A "strive for the best" that changes my perception so much? I'll be pondering on this some more, since I don't have the answer to that. And I'll leave you with one last question: Is any good ever good enough? Or is it an ever changing word that can't be attained? Do we need to set a good and stick to it?

Xoxo,
Christina

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It's The Little Things

4/22/2013

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Yesterday I got to do something I haven't done all year (since 2013 started)... I actually put on makeup, fixed my hair, and celebrated all the holidays I missed. I was too sick to get to celebrate my moms birthday, Easter, and my dads birthday. It's obviously tough when an illness rules your life, you can't always do things how you might like to. I felt guilty for missing my parents birthdays, and it was terrible sleeping through Easter Sunday curled up in a ball with a stomach ache. But I knew just because it was a hard 3 months didn't mean it would be permanent. Eventually the smoke would clear.

But, it felt so soooo nice to get to be normal for a short period of time. Even if it was just temporary, it made me feel human again. It wasn't easy to achieve being human though... it took all day to get ready. My energy is low so washing my hair, styling it, putting on makeup etc. all had to be done little by little, resting in between. It's no easy task getting ready for anything, but it's 100% worth it to look in the mirror and see myself looking back... Not the shell of a person I am most days. Boy can makeup work miracles! I swear I look like an unrecognizable version of myself with it on. Mind you this is the first time since Christmas that I bothered to put it on, so I almost forgot what I used to look like. But also nice to recognize the Christina that I used to see pre-Lyme treatment sucking the life out of me.

So long story short it took 5 hours to get ready to celebrate & then I got enjoy my family and have lots of laughs. And I could not be happier. I am however now utterly and completely dead. I'll be recuperating for the next 2 days (at least). But it will be the happiest recuperation ever. :)

Xoxo,
Christina

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Behind The Lyme-Light: Part 2

4/10/2013

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I click on the TV to my usual 3 o'clock programming, Ellen. Most of the time the start of this show marks the start of my actual day. This is also the point where I usually realize I'm way behind, so I frantically rush to get important things done.
"Mmm queasy stomach, what would you like to eat today?" I ask myself this daunting question, a question I wish had a crystal ball I could refer to. I know I need 2,000 calories, but right now the thought of food makes me gag.
"Okay tummy, I see you plan to be difficult," I mutter, as I make the executive decision to stall eating & opt for a soothing ginger tea instead. Tea is my confidant in everything... It's warm, it's cozy, and most importantly my stomach very much appreciates the strong punch of ginger.
While I sip my tea I whip out my phone & begin to calculate meal ideas.
"Okay, so lunch needs to be at least 500 calories. Where am I going to get that? Hmm..." My mind begins to search the database of food calories I have tediously organized by taste buds.
"If I'm craving sweet I can go with some GF pancakes...that's 180 per pancake. Maybe 2 of those & some protein... Bacon? Oh yeah, bacon. Lots of good calories there. Hmm, but maybe I want more salty. Yeah, scratch the pancakes.."
This process goes on until my taste buds & my stomach can agree on something that my Calorie counter approves. That was a chore.
Counting calories is hands down the most mind numbing thing I do all day. Keeping on weight has proved to be incredibly difficult, and my 'always in knots' stomach doesn't quite help for the cause. By the time I figure out what I want to eat I have all but lost the appetite I mustered up. Because of this fun quirk there is a very limited window where I decide what I want & where I physically eat it. Eating is like The Amazing Race.. Incredibly challenging, confusing, and then there's a giant sprint to the finish.....

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Xoxo,
Christina

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Defeat

4/5/2013

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There will be times when you will be frightened and discouraged. You may feel that you are defeated. The odds of obtaining victory may appear overwhelming. At times you may feel like David trying to fight Goliath. But remember—David did win!
~Thomas S. Monson

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Behind The Lyme-Light: Part 1

4/3/2013

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I wake as the light shines through my double panel curtains and I see the sunny morning (afternoon) greeting me. I squint, yawn, and then take a nice long stretch. It feels like 9am but its certainly almost 1:00. Every night I tell myself I will be asleep early so I can wake up early, but without fail I hear my moms alarm start buzzing at 5am & I know I'll be snoozing all afternoon.
After laying there long enough to catch up on the news from my phone I decide I should get a game plan going.
"Okay.." I think, "Logic says I should start by getting a kefir, but my brain says roll over a go back to sleep. No, no, listen to logic. Okay... Well, wait first I need to take the antacid. Yeah, let's start there."
I begin to rattle off the list of things I need to do in order. Somehow even though its the same every day, it still seems complex for me. If I don't spell it out I can guarantee I will get distracted & leave something out.
After some time fighting with my heavy eyes I decide to get up and move. I stumble into the bathroom and glance in the mirror.
"Oh god, why did no one tell me my eyebrows are out of control? Note to self, I need to take care of that ASAP. Add it to the rolling list."
Why do I even care what I look like if I lay in bed right? I get it. Well, your appearance goes deeper than your skin, it influences how you feel. That's basic stuff I took from my 4 year psychology degree. We all learned about how visual aids effect your mood. It's the same reason I always have a fresh manicure. I like to think if I look somewhat together on the outside it will translate to the inside.
Fast forward 10 minutes and I'm back in bed.
"That was exhausting," I mutter to my dog. She looks at me wagging her tail, waiting to get pet. "I wish I could take some of your energy and bottle it up," I tell her. Dogs have an abundance of happiness and energy. They should share the wealth.
I glance at my phone and realized I have dilly dallied for about an hour since I woke up and nothing has been accomplished yet. At least nothing important like getting in a meal, taking my medicine, drinking some electrolytes etc. I decide to start off the day finally by getting that kefir I was thinking about an hour ago. It's a start.

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Hi all! This isn't my usual blog post. This is part of my 2 part mini Lyme novel on here. I'll be posting it bit by bit to switch up the pace of things. I'm having fun writing it so I hope you all have fun following along :)

Xoxo,
Christina

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When is Good, "Good Enough?"

It's The Little Things

Behind The Lyme-Light: Part 2

Defeat

Behind The Lyme-Light: Part 1

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