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Give, Risk, Live - Some 2018 Thoughts From My Drafts

12/16/2020

11 Comments

 
I wrote this blog post in May 2018 but I never published it, until now. Sometimes I would have a stream of consciousness that poured out onto paper, but it didn't feel "good enough" to publish so I kept it as a draft. Today I want to share this 'imperfect' post, not just for myself but for anyone else who might need it. I speak a lot on this blog about having a blind faith, and mine comes from God. It doesn't mean I didn't suffer mentally with the toll of fighting an illness 24/7 for years and years on end. You'll see all of that in the post below..
It’s amazing to me how life can feel like it's simultaneously going so slow, and yet it passes by so quickly. 
 
I saw a quote recently that said, “it never occurred to me that one day I’d wake up sick and never get better.” It stopped me in my tracks because of the poignant sadness, truth & heartbreak that it held in those words. Healthy me never could have imagined that anything would last longer than a week-long virus/flu. Growing up every illness I ever had went away with a little rest, Dayquil & some TLC. It certainly never occurred to me that one day I would wake up with a “summertime flu,” (what we now know was Lyme) and never get better. However, I want to add an addendum to the word “never.” The word never for me means right now, in this moment, as I type these words. But the word "never" has taken many forms for me throughout the course of my illness, from diagnosis to present moment. 

Let's take a trip down memory lane to the time when I was diagnosed with Lyme disease. I spent approximately the next 4 months in deep denial. Although I was educating myself by reading a lot & watching the documentary ‘Under Our Skin,’ I wasn’t willing to admit that what was wrong with me might not be a quick fix. I tried to live by myself hours away from my family & continue on with everyday life. Finally I was so weak, emaciated and sick that I begrudgingly moved home in January 2012 to get full time care and begin treatment. But here’s the kicker... at that time I left 90% of my things in my apartment and only took winter clothes home with me. Why? Because I was sure I’d be all better and back to normal by summertime. I can’t tell you how DEEPLY I believed that to be true. When summer rolled around and not only was I not better but I was actually doing worse, I conceded that I might need some summer clothes (even though I never left the house). And while my sweet dad drove 3 hours each way to pick up my summer clothes which I would never wear, the rest of my stuff still stayed put. I still paid rent, I still had the majority of my belongings there, and I was stuck in denial. I think it was maybe a year after I left that I finally got the rest of my stuff out, but honestly it could have been even longer. All I know is that at some point I crossed over from “I’ll be well soon” into “wait, will I EVER be well?” This phase happened right around the time when I experienced depression for the first time in my life. Suddenly I felt this feeling of panic that my life might be forever changed, and my gut reaction was to fight back. There is a control freak in me that refuses to rest until I feel like I’ve tried everything. I went through a period of many years where I read and researched endlessly in an effort to save myself. I had plenty of Doctor’s working with me, but I had to know all the cutting edge research for myself to feel like I traveled every possible avenue.
 
And here I am years later with that same gut reaction, although slightly altered. I don’t want to believe, accept, or allow into my mind the thought that I won’t heal. And by heal I mean fully and deeply have my life back. Not a halfway life where my battery is always halfway empty, and one small misstep or skipped supplement sets me into a flare. But while I wish to put that thought out of my mind, it’s always lingering just out of reach of my consciousness. Some days I wake up, look around, and think “this might be as good as it’s gonna get.” And while the selfish part of my brain demands more, the rational part of my brain reminds me that it’s also been much worse. There is a war going on in my mind on any given day throwing me from sadness, to anger, to determination, and lastly, understanding.
 
Now what I’m about to say is going to make sense to some of you, and will seem very out there to the rest of you, but I’ve (mostly) made peace with whatever outcome I get. And that’s because I believe in a God who has a purpose for my life even when all I see and feel in the moment is suffering. I know that God can see the big picture of my entire life, and somehow in some way there is a reason for what I am going through. That reason may not be crystal clear to me now (or ever), and it might be multi-faceted. But He has a purpose for my life and I believe that to be true whether things are going good or things are going bad. I think that God uses circumstances to grow us and grow the people around us, and some of the biggest change comes from the hardest moments. So while my determined and hard working spirit refuses to believe the textbook definition of "never," I also know that if that happens to be God's will for my life then He knows better than I do. But it doesn't mean I stop trying, and it certainly doesn't mean that I will resign my life to an acceptance of a reality that I do not yet know to be true. 

So as I lay here in my bed too weak to even walk down the stairs by myself, I keep fighting... for a semblance of a life. And if I get it I promise to never take it for granted. Not for a single second. Life is so short and so precious, there is no time to waste living in any other way than what is authentic to you. The world tries to make us fearful to be honest with one another or to chase our dreams. I bought into that lie for much too long, and I know I never will fall into that trap again. 

I watch humans worry so much about what others think about them. I watch them withhold love from people out of fear of rejection. Why? For what? If I could give one message to anyone out there who is healthy, it's this: Love others, be bold, live in a way that takes risks. Put your heart on the line again and again, even if someone tries to convince you to lock it up. Give, risk, live. Because I promise that if it all got taken away from you right now, you'd spend a lifetime wishing you could do it over. 
 
xoxo,
Christina
11 Comments
Stephanie
12/17/2020 10:43:18 am

Thank you.

Reply
Christina
1/5/2021 11:45:28 pm

Thank you for reading Stephanie!

Reply
Kendra
12/17/2020 10:25:05 pm

Thank you for your research and candid expressions. My daughter is fighting Lyme and it is so encouraging to hear your story.

Reply
Christina
1/5/2021 11:44:57 pm

Kendra,
Thank you so much for reading, and I'm so so sorry for your daughter

Reply
Deb Ruble
12/18/2020 10:47:37 am

I was thinking of you last night. And I was glad to see your post today. Your words have helped me through my Lyme journey. Thank you.

Reply
Christina
1/5/2021 11:44:26 pm

Deb,
Perfect timing :) Thank you so much for reading and your kind words!

Reply
John
1/4/2021 11:31:11 pm

Thank you Christina. I’m thankful for your blog. It helps me cope with Lyme. I literally just left the ER where they said “everything is normal”. I’m a criminal investigator and an advanced EMT. I’ve been in treatment for Lyme bart and babesia for a month now. I was treated for it in 2016-2019 as well And before that I was first diagnosed and treated for Lyme in 2007. Unfortunately I went 8/9 year with undiagnosed bart. The Dr who diagnosed me said the ID doc I saw in 2007 prob has ruined a lot of lives. Think he would do a differential diagnosis for burning pain in the souls of my feet? Nope. He noted it and then wrote perhaps post Lyme or campylobacter arthritis or maybe in my head. Ha. What a joke. I was a 25yr old law enforcement officer working out playing semi pro football and out dating girls and enjoying life. Please tell me how someone all of a sudden get something “in their head”. I suffered for years with burning pains, bleforitus, conjunctivitis, lesions, itchy and painful shins and feet. All sorts of weird stuff. No answers until I pulled a tick off my arm in 2016. That’s when I found out I had Lyme again babesia and Bartonella. Never tested positive either but had all the rashes. Saved the tick as proof. Thank God I did and thank God I went to a Dr that understood tick borne illnesses. I recently found out that I have numerous strains of borrelia and B Microti. My bart tests still come back negative but that’s no surprise. Frustrating though. Sad having to explain to my son daddy doesn’t feel good. Constantly. If I could afford it I would go to Bad Abling Germany for hyperthermia and Infusio for stem cell. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Reply
Christina
1/5/2021 11:43:47 pm

John,
I am so so sorry for everything you've been through and the complete negligence you've had to deal with along the way. It's unbelievably frustrating to me when these things get missed and patients have to be their own advocate to fight to figure things out. You're in my prayers, I know how difficult it can be to navigate various treatments and knowing what to do next.

Reply
Denise Black
1/6/2021 10:25:04 am

Christina,
I appreciate all of your posts, especially this one. I have been struggling with various tick borne illness since 2017. It is so difficult to look past the daily agony and hope for healing. I too believe that God has meaning and purpose in my suffering. I am far more empathetic to others struggles and have helped many people find diagnosis for their “weird” symptoms. Your recommendations have been very helpful- and your words come straight from the heart. Thanks for being a “control freak” and trying every option. We benefit from you sharing your experience!

Reply
Wanda Sue Figueroa
8/12/2022 11:26:40 am

I was diagnosed in July 2016. I did not have any rash that I know of. I was bit by a tick when I was on vacation in Gettysburg, PA. I became very lethargic and my joints, especially my neck was hurting, some flu-like symptoms. My doctor checked EBV, Mono and Lymes. Lymes was positive. Tried 21-days of Doxy. Felt a little better, but then the bottom dropped out. Retested by PCR and positive. I was on 30-days of IV Rocephin. I felt better, but still had bad days, so I decided to start on a Natural Lyme Formula treatment protocol from Health Herbs Clinic (ww w. healthherbsclinic. com), the treatment effectively treated my Lyme disease condition. The stiffness, fatigue and joint/muscle/body pains has subsided, I feel better overall than i have felt in years. 3 months after the treatment, I made an appointment with a rheumatologist in Houston, after examining me, she looked at me and told me I did not have Lyme disease because all the usual Lyme symptoms had stopped. Its almost like a miracle! I Just wanted to share for people suffering from this disease💚

Reply
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