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A Note To My Readers...

3/22/2021

10 Comments

 
I never saw it coming.

Isn’t that what they always say? When an ordinary and unsuspecting day brings horrors too large to fathom, we never can see it coming. Thats what makes it all the more jarring and all the more life changing. 

When you have time to prepare for inevitable pain you can choose to spread the pain out in small or large doses. You have the option to stay in denial as long as you need until you’re ready to swallow the truth of reality. I know that first hand, because much of the grief through my illness was spent in denial until I felt emotionally ready enough to accept the truth of my ailing health. 

But once you feel a sudden loss, the kind that rips the rug right out from under you, you will never be whole again. That fall is so large that you shatter into a million pieces on contact. And even when you slowly begin to pick up the pieces and glue them back in place, you’ll never quite be the same. 

I will never be the same.

On February 5th it was an otherwise normal day for me. I woke up, worked, made lunch, took a shower.. all the usual daily activities. You know that feeling when a moment is so mundane and boring that you feel completely comfortable? It was like that. My guard was down and I was completely at ease. I was listening to music while working on an Excel sheet when I saw my phone light up with a text from my dad. “Come down” it said, then “hurry.” 

I made a mad dash downstairs thinking maybe he fell off a ladder (he was working around the house earlier), or maybe he needed help with something that was heavy. What I didn’t expect were the events that followed. I made it downstairs and saw that my dad couldn’t breathe, so I called 911 and ran to him. His breaths were hard fought and got weaker until they stopped altogether. At that point I began chest compressions while time seemed to slow down to a crawl. I spent 10 minutes fighting harder than I’ve fought for anything to try and save him. But ultimately he didn’t make it, and my entire world was shattered.

The following days and weeks were unrelenting. Every quiet moment or anytime I shut my eyes I would see the scene play out in my mind. I will be really frank and blunt when I say this - until you actually see a person die in a sudden manner you have no reference for how horrific it will be. There are movies and TV shows which reenact it in a way that seems peaceful; like they just nod off and it’s so serene. Unless someone is in a hospital or hospice that isn’t the case. The body has various reflexes to try and keep you alive. Even when you lose consciousness the brain stem activates the lungs to gasp for air (called agonal breathing). It’s shallow, yet gargled, yet it sounds so painful at the same time. The body fights like hell to cling to life and if you’re there watching it unfold it will haunt you forever. 

How fast a human being can go from being ‘fine’ to ‘limp and lifeless’ is faster than you think, but still not fast enough. It’s quick in a way that shocks you at how fast someone you love is gone, but yet slow in the 10 minutes you (and their reflexes) try to save them. It’s this oxymoron I have in my brain that has made it largely impossible to digest.  It’s the trauma of the situation replaying in my mind that keeps me from having a single moment of peace. And in the flashbacks from small triggers in life that paralyze me. I’ve seen a therapist and now understand that I’m suffering from trauma and PTSD. I don’t know the way out of this, because it feels rather impossible to escape, but I trust that they do. 

So why am I telling you this? 

Many reasons. For one, I will be significantly less active on this blog & my social media accounts while I try to pick up the pieces of my life and learn how to function again. I’ve always made the promise that I wouldn’t abandon my blog or the patients who needed me - so it stands to reason that I needed to share more that just “sorry I’m leaving for a while” and leave it at that. Last year 6 million people stopped by this little blog of mine, and thousands emailed me. I usually devote 1-2 hours each day to respond to every last email, comment, and DM because all of you mean so much to me. I want those people who read me to understand that if it were anything else I’d still be here to help in full capacity. But right now I am so overwhelmed and spread so thin that mentally I have to step back. 

I don’t know when I’ll be back or when I’ll be more active. It may be many months, I'm not sure. But until then please take care of yourself and hug the people you love. Life is short; not just your own, but the lives of those you love too. Take time to cherish them.

Until we talk again..

Xoxo,
Christina
10 Comments
Andrew
3/22/2021 04:42:26 pm

You are loved. Time will heal. Your own strength will nurture. I wish you didn’t have to experience more horrible pain and suffering. I hope you won’t ever have this much defeat again. I’m proud to know you; to know that you have the heart to continue and the mind to speak out to others.

Reply
Becca Hill link
3/22/2021 05:34:14 pm

Madeline and I love you! Praying for you daily!!! 💚💚💚💚💚

Reply
Ami Knecht
3/22/2021 05:48:30 pm

Praying for you and your family🙏🏼

Reply
Emily Bailey
3/22/2021 08:06:05 pm

My heart is breaking for you. I’m so beyond sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine the trauma from that. Grief from an unexpected loss is like a wave, sometimes it’s crashing at your feet and other times the wave is crashing over your head. I will be praying for you during this tough time.

Reply
Robyn
3/23/2021 10:12:26 am

Dear Christina, I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, and in such a traumatic way. I cannot imagine what you have been through. Please be very kind to yourself. May you find all the comfort and support that you need. My sincerest condolences.

Reply
Denise Black
3/23/2021 01:25:41 pm

I am so sorry Christina, sudden death of a loved one can leave you feeling lost and empty, I know that as you have faith in the Lord and his plan for you and your father can help bring comfort and peace and the ability to heal emotionally and physically from this time of grief. You and your family are in my prayers.

Reply
Tina
3/25/2021 12:28:02 pm

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your Dad. My heart goes out to you & your family and I will be praying for you. You have touched so many peoples lives through your blog now it’s our turn to be there for you. I truly hope you can feel all of the love and prayers that are being sent to you right now.

Reply
kelly oneal
4/3/2021 12:02:03 pm

May God give you peace as you process your grief.

Reply
Jackie Hudson link
4/6/2021 11:51:35 am

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad and the grief you have to go thru. You will be in my prayers these next few months. I’m grateful for you and the time you’ve taken to share your story and what has been helpful to you (your suggestions have helped us!). I hope you will be showered with love and support❤️

Reply
Fiona
4/13/2021 02:44:21 pm

I understand completely how you feel and I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Having a sudden loss is extremely painful. Losing a parent is one of life’s difficult events. I lost my parents in a car accident by a driver who ran a stop sign. I know. It shatters you completely and I stopped living for two years... I was going through the motions.. they say time heals all wounds and that’s all I can say, is give it time, lean on God if you believe, and turn to others for support... it’s not easy but in time you’ll wake up with peace in your heart... also, I’m so grateful to find this blog as we found out my college age daughter has Lyme and everything that goes with it. Your blog is saving lives..many many lives... so somehow I pray God blesses you tenfold for all you do to help others despite the pain you are feeling now with your loss....... I’ll be praying for peace for you..

Reply



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