After I graduated college I got to live this fantasy by moving out to LA and going to my dream school to study what I loved. It was everything I ever wanted... Except my health took a turn for the worse. This time that should have been filled with joy was clouded by so much pain & sleepless nights.
Eventually I moved back to Kentucky to get control of my health. And I thank god every day that I did that & I'm here with my diagnosis on the road to recovery. I don't regret moving home, but I miss the life I left behind.
I'm a huge Lakers fan, so when I see the Staples Center on TV it gives me chills. I see an aerial view of the city I love so much & it hurts my heart. Nothing comes close to the feeling of driving down the 110 with my windows down, sipping a jamba juice & passing by rows and rows of palm trees.. The smell of the beach & the sounds of the ocean.
When I got sick in Los Angeles it robbed me of a lot. This place I loved felt like a hell on earth because I was so miserable. My health was falling apart & I was extremely unhappy and scared. I missed my family, I missed the comfort of home, and I started to resent being in California. By the time I moved back I said "I am NEVER going back." But truth be told, once I took away my pain and bitterness I found underneath it all that I still loved Los Angeles. Sure the people can be crabby & the southern hospitality is nowhere in site, but to me it's still an oasis. It symbolizes the life I wanted to have, the job in fashion I was destined to have.
For now I pray about this often & it gives me peace. When I start to mourn my old life I realize God has a plan and it's not "my" life to begin with. He has a plan for me, and it might not directly match up with what I imagine but I know that it's something great. I remind myself that California is out of reach for now, but it's my motivation for the future.
What I mean to say here is that we all at some point mourn a life that we think we should have had. Whether it's a bad divorce that took years of your life away, a disaster like the hurricane up north, an accident, an illness, etc. We all have a moment in life where things don't go as planned & we hang our heads in defeat thinking about all we missed had it not happened. But I became a firm believer that after the storm comes the rainbow. Everyone encounters a tough time in life... Everyone. It comes in different forms & differs person to person. But when the smoke clears & the disaster has passed I think life will find you versus you chasing it.
Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be
And for now, I am perfectly at peace with that.